Thoughts on TED

I've been watching quite a lot of TED talks recently. Obviously the variety and depth of the talks is one of the things that make TED so amazing. I watched a couple recently, one was of a woman that wraps people in straws and takes pictures, the other was about a guy who designs book covers. It got me to thinking that if you could talk about your job all I needed to do was write some cool JavaScript and I'd be on the TED stage rockin' faces. Whilst living out this little fantasy in the theatre of my mind, I suddenly realised the horror. I then wondered when other people came to the same realisation?

Scenario 1: backstage

So, I am backstage and nervous along with the other speakers. The topic of conversation inevitably turns to subject of our talks. I give a pithy explanation of some software development project ending with my motivational line "One morning I got into the office at 8:30 to find there was no coffee... but you know, even through the dark times, we never gave up..." I guess that's why I am in the inspiring section.

I am imagining a reply to come from a plain looking middle aged lady, who you would correctly describe as "really nice". She would smile and say she was in the inspirational group too, which was great as we could be friends. I would smile and graciously ask her about her talk.

"Oh, I'm here to talk about my dog really. We were on holiday in India when my 6 month old child fell through a hole in the ground into a snake pit. The hole was so small that we couldn't reach her to get her out but we could see snakes all round her. I don't mind telling you I was really panicking! Then Poppy, my little King Charles Spaniel jumped down the hole and fought off the snakes until we could get help. She was bitten 15 times and had enough venom in her to kill a rhino, but she protected my little baby until we could dig her out."

As if this story isn't enough to knock your confidence, in the silence left by the end of her tale I hear the guy next to you finishing of his practice speech with:

"... and that's how I managed to secure a clean water supply for a village of people living in one of the worlds harshest environments."

Scenario 2: after the talk

Scenario 1 is pretty harsh, but that lead me to scenario 2. You don't find out about other people's talks till after you have delivered yours.

After giving my talk, I wander over to my friends to find out how it went from the perspective of a member of the audience. "So friends and family members, how did it go? Awww Mum, you are crying - did I make you proud?"

"What? Oh, actually, I'm still thinking of that puppy. Yea, you delivered your story really well, it's just that you were scheduled between that kitten that can sniff out cancer and the 16 year old kid who built a nuclear reactor in his garden shed. But your script thingy was good too..."

The journey home

But the punishment doesn't end there - imagine the journey home. Everyone is super excited and inspired by the talks they heard that day and are swapping their favourite bits.

"What about the woman who swam from Cuba to the States and kept getting stung by Portuguese men of war but insisted on getting her adrenaline shots in the water! She was mental!"

"Yea, but that guy who built schools for children out of trees he had to sail across the lake of terror - he was just some sort of saint."

Then to compound the injury, someone notices the sad on my and tries to help. "Well, I think my favourite bit was when Ant said he didn't know how to do that thing. Then he thought how to do it when he was in the bath and he got out of the bath and made the floor wet - that was pretty funny."

That's why it's actually a good thing I will never get to do a TED talk.